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The quarter-year itch has finally been scratched with Sunday night’s Keeping Up With The Kardashians episode: the world has finally seen the footage of the closely-guarded engagement of KimYe, an intimate moment on second base at AT&T Park in San Francisco that took place October 21st, 2013. Yes folks, after a leaked video (that resulted in a lawsuit) and the first four episodes of the E! show’s ninth season built up the anticipation, America finally gets see what true love looks like when a television channel bets the farm on this infamous celebrity coupling. The engagement and nuptial will be entirely brought to you by E!, whose exclusive production and publication rights should bring the entertainment news channel its largest viewership ever. Me, I’ll just be watching North West’s parents’ nuptials for the commercials – you know they’re the best part. From their secret hiding spot, the whole quirky family (sans Jenners) and their vampiric film crew whisper and gasp in time with the epic mood music by the Chicago Symphony Orchestra, imported from Yeezus’ beloved Chi-town. Though we are not granted close-ups or actual voice recordings of the proposal (because of, you know, privacy and stuff), we get a pretty romantic lip-reading of the back of Kanye’s head (at 2 minutes, 3 seconds) as he prepares to get down on one knee. Kim’s klinger-on sister Khloe provides confessional play-by-plays that bring us to the brink of a metaphysical breakdown: “The orchestra playing, Kanye and Kim watching it, we’re all watching them,” Khloe coos through collagen and lip-gloss, omitting the audience’s final, ugly vicious circle of voyeurism: “And you’re all watching us.” While the couple themselves are given their space (thanks to at least eight telephoto lenses), Kanye hands Kim the box, from which she must pull her own ring and put it on her own finger. This part, apparently, was less rehearsed. “This is like a movie,” murmurs Kourtney, whose real, not-like-a-movie life is “reality” fodder, carnage on an E! editing dungeon floor. “I really am in a movie right now,” concurs Khloe, who really is in a staged televised event. “Nori” West, the couple’s eight month-old, could not attend due to prior commitment – a guest appearance on Honey Boo Boo in Tiaras of Orange County – but wishes the couple a lifetime of happiness, health and tell-all book-deals, says her publicist. Her grandmother, newly-single Kris, uncharacteristically steals the spotlight as she congratulates her daughter’s celebrity prize with a post-proposal headlock. “He’s mine now,” smirks Kris through the botox and well-adjusted bliss. “He’s all mine!” A cackle escapes her lips that would give a Disney villain goosebumps. And so begins the family circus that is Kim Kardashian’s third wedding. I believe this one might stick, as it seems she can move no higher in the husband-as-costar food chain. But Yeezy is a shyer, more brooding creative pop-genius, so it’s anyone’s guess as to how long “Kanye West” will roll in the credits of KUWTK. At this point, this is hardly a criticism of the couple themselves, whose thoughts, feelings and opinions do not factor in to the engagement clip whatsoever. This is, instead, a critique of the first installation of E!’s fully sponsored and produced wedding television series. With the powerful publicity and following of E!’s darling reality show, we have on our hands the makings of the American answer to the “Royal Wedding.” It may be easy to lose sight of the “reality,” behind this made-for-tv wedding, as the craft-services table filled with sweating cheeses and meats waits out-of-shot of future feuding bridesmaids and bachelorette party antics. Is this E! KimYe pairing of value to us as the after-school television bridal special, future brides and grooms? Or is it merely the modern excessive fairy-tale coupling to which no one would truly wish to aspire? Maybe, but it sure is fun to look at.